Kali came to me on a morning that felt like night. She said, “It gets dark so you can see the fire burn more clearly. Throw it all in. And by ‘all,’ I mean yourself.”
Into the fire I put a habit of sadness I was married to. And so then I put in my own singular and true sadness, but not so it would be obliterated, rather transmuted, because I wanted to honour the utility of my delusions, the lies that made for density so that I could see the fire burn more clearly.
I gave it all in, contracts, amulets, and cuffs. And then my every day body began to wretch and heave. We were down to the bile, my body and I. Even then, I tried to type out a plan for the future. Kali put her hand on my back, like Mothers do.
“The only place you can be is here,” said Kali. “Now, ‘all you can do’ is what it means to ‘give it your all.'”
That comforted me as I wretched and I heaved to the final, final, final. “That’s all of me,” I spoke clearly, hoping it was true. I didn’t need to tell her.
“In you go,” she gestured me to the flames with her gaze. It was a direction, not a command. (Goddesses never command Goddesses — it doesn’t work that way.)
Goddesses never command Goddesses — it doesn’t work that way.
I might die like this, empty, I thought. I wasn’t willing for it to end that way, but I saw the choiceless-ness. Empty, after all.
In! In! In! And let me tell you, I jumped. I could have crawled, I could have reconsidered and delayed my future once again, but I found what I needed in my truth and I jumped.
I let every single flame touch me all over. The fire saw who I was, and was not out to kill me, instead it was working for me, in service. The fire clarified me to my bones of tensile, pulsating, fibre. Breath of all atmospheres. Breasts of nectar. Diamond eyes. And from my root to crown my desires rose with timeless pleasure. Fulfilled.
I looked around and down. The heads of liars were rolling. Their skulls formed a circle around the fire pit like perfect rocks. The ground soaked up the blood and up sprang very rare flowers that made me swoon and glisten.
I was every element by now. Smiling.
“So I guess this is what you mean by Fierce Love?” I said to her. We laughed like certain women laugh, Kali and me.
And with my faith in the dawn, and my respect of the dark, I decided to spend the night to watch the fire burn more clearly.