I used to believe that my unmet longings were a punishment.
That’s a very heavy perspective on life. I don’t recommend it.
My longings created a “small-self loneliness.” Small-self loneliness is self pity mixed with self sabotage. And it’s a very human experience but we’re meant to outgrow it.
I learned how to properly grieve for career paths, friendships, partnerships and children I wouldn’t be having.
Grieving for unmet longings woke me up to how amazing my life is—even with all the punctuations of pain and long term shitty challenges.
The grief brought me closer to being alive.
So then my small-self loneliness evolved into Holy Aloneness.
This is what the philosopher Plotinus calls, “the mystic’s ascent, the flight of the alone to the Alone.” When you touch the ONENESS of life. My philosopher honey, Krishnamurti, often talked about Aloneness as freedom from social conditioning.
For me, I see myself standing in the center of my own mandala. Alone but connected to… everything.
On days when I was low on resources, I’d still wonder if my unmet longings were a punishment for unresolved karma. Or was there something I was missing in the manifestation thing? Maybe… oh God, maybe I was longing for the wrong things? Could that be? Were my golden eggs not mine to hatch?
I considered letting go of all my visions—going hardcore Zen Nun and wanting for nothing. (That’s ironically ambitious.) And I did some paring down in terms of the “must have’s” in my life. But mostly… eventually…
I decided to let go of the fear that God was judging me for what I desired. It just doesn’t work that way. The experiences I’ve had with The Light, with touching Oneness are completely free of judgment energy. It’s all spaciousness and gorgeous freewill, riding on the fabric of infinite Love.
I decided to love my longings.
And that’s the joy I’d been longing for all along.
I hope you give that to yourself.
Holding hands,
