It’s been a while since I’ve connected with a life update and some sweet teachy-preachy honey love. At the end of last year, I poured myself into Bless & Release. Then I got seduced into raising venture capital for an app I’m building. I’ll share that story with you another day.

Let’s talk about modern initiations and having a bigger context for being everyday light warriors, but sometimes feeling like losers.

Why do we attract things that do NOT seem to reflect who we are and what our vibe is? Are we being TESTED?

No. But yes. Yes we’re being given opportunities—by our Soul—to become more loving, aware, conscious, and cool, but sometimes it feels like we’re being punished or that we’ve just totally gotten off course.

MEAN GUY
I had a short text exchange with a guy I met on Raya (Raya is a pretentious, invite-only dating app where everyone is a “founder” or summers in Portugal. I jest. But… not by much.) So guy and I match, we start texting “let’s take it off the app,” and within a few sentences he is…mean. No other way to put it. He criticized my banter, my preferences, and was defensive AF when I asked him about something related to his work. He was just rude and mean-spirited. I felt the hostility and arrogance through the phone.

I wrapped it up—with grace.

I was in a bit of shock. Like when someone yells at you in traffic for something you didn’t do. I thought, what the f*ck was that?! I don’t attract mean people. I am Love! My life is full of RESPECT! I can even get shitty waiters to warm up to me.

What was in my energy field that magnetized such prickish behavior? Was there some self-hatred I’ve got tucked away that pulled this in?

You know, I looked back on my initial sense from his photo and creepin’ him online—the flags were there, but I decided to be evolved and “keep my heart open.” Which, for a lot of women, is an interchangeable term for overriding our intuition in the hopes of getting our deepest needs met.

There was a part of me that wished I told him to go f*ck himself before I signed off and blocked him. But… that’s not actually my style. And that would have created a shenpa—which is a Buddhist term for emotional hooks. Translation: there’s the hard moment that occurs, and then there’s how you respond to the hard moment. The hook—or the liberation, happens in the response to the hard moment.

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Most of us have gotten out of relationships—marriages, long term jobs, one night stands, and we second-guessed our sanity. We think, “What was I thinking? How did I shrink to such small proportions? I thought I was intuitive. I have been on the path. I have done the work.” We’re aspiring goddesses and warriors, right?

We romanticize all the mythologies. We adulate the goddesses, the characters, the celebrities, the heroes. Sometimes we do this because art is inspiring—it gives us something to grow into, it’s a reflection of our innate power. We also romanticize all the mythologies as a way of keeping ourselves small, scared, and less powerful.

We think we’re… basic. Un-magical. Not gifted. BEHIND. And when we get out of our trials and missteps, we wonder if we can ever trust ourselves again.

But let’s say you were a priestess. Or a young warrior. What kind of initiation would it take for you to have insight and intuition. Deep compassion? All Knowing?

You’d be blindfolded in the labyrinth. You would be betrayed. You would be lied to. You’d fight demons and doubt and society. There would be traps and pitfalls on the path.

You would be in discernment boot camp.

But we’re not priestesses, and we’re not living in Greek mythology or Roman times. This is not Xanadu. (As much as I wish I was Olivia Newton-John and roller skates and leg warmers.)

This is better. This is Earth School. In the Age of Aquarius.

And your everyday life is a series of initiations that open you up to higher consciousness. Blindfolded in the labyrinth of jobs and artificial intelligence and earthly pleasures. Betrayed. Lied to. Fighting inner demons, mental health. Dancing with doubt. Cancelled by culture.

Relationships are the vehicle to higher consciousness. And we’re here to raise our consciousness. That’s all. That’s the whole point of being born now—and in the dawn of Egypt and the days of Socrates. It’s to love more now. To see more now. That’s it.

Every single hardship, challenge, minor inconvenience, tragedy, being totally pissed off, blindsided, slightly surprised, and feeling perpetually grateful, joyous, and blessed beyond measure is all so that we become more aware of our true nature. Our Divinity. Maybe like the Goddesses and Gods.

So back to rude boy from Raya. He wasn’t so much a reflection of my self doubt or self loathing. He was a reminder of my capacity for discernment and deep love. I can trust myself, thanks.

Those challenging people who show up aren’t just here to trigger us into more awareness. There are also opportunities for us to embody and model and give… Love. I write a lot about this in Bless & Release.

One of the signs of becoming a “Super Blesser” is that loving people is your superpower. You’re stoked to be your most loving self, no matter what. You walk away from hard moments thinking, “I got to be loving in that situation.” And you’re not cynical about it.

Loving people, even the demons and the d*ckheads is a step towards unity consciousness and you’re totally into it. Loving the difficulties affirms your aliveness.

You can trust your beautiful human, divine self in all of your formations and incarnations. Lost and found. Because you make it through every, “What was I thinking?” initiation and you are still a loving person, who wants to love more right now.

This calls for some Walt Whitman to close:

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Multitudes, Priestess, warrior, doubtful, lost, profoundly insightful, ancient, all in one day.

With Love,