Suicidal thoughts… that aren’t mine

ISSUE 37 | FEBRUARY 21, 2025
Suicidal thoughts… that aren’t mine

A few years ago I was standing in my bedroom on the 3rd floor of my house, windows flung open, looking at the tops of trees—and I felt the overwhelming urge to commit suicide.

Except I was doing great. I had no desire whatsoever to kill myself.

But this “feeling” was full on. It was as if that cloud of the Death Wraiths from Harry Potter was floating down my street, passing over my house and through my energy body.

I breathed in, I breathed out. I clarified to my body and brain: “This is not mine.” And then I breathed some more, slow and intentional, to love all the humans in the suicide cloud, wanting to end it.

WHERE DO SOME FEELINGS COME FROM?

Not all of your feelings are yours. Knowing this will help you navigate your entire life with more ease.

This paradigm will be especially helpful to those of us who want to be alert but calm, while so many people are (understandably) losing their absolute shit due to seismic political shifts.
Feeling other people’s feelings—momentarily, (or ongoingly, but in a very intentional way,) can be a form of service. The more conscious we become, the more “sensing” we will be. Please, this is not to be mistaken with being overly sensitive and dysregulated, okay?

Shadow eaters: there are Buddhist Nuns and Monks, and high level spiritual practitioners who spend their lives literally recapitulating the suffering of others. They tune into the collective energy field and consciously process the heavy matter of suffering. They are shadow eaters. These are the real heroes on the Earth. They are trained, skilled, supported and devoted. They are exceptionally rare.
Then there are the empathic normies. Some of us very naturally tune in and let stuff flow through—without taking us down. That is the ideal—have the awareness, pour on loving consciousness, get on with your day. This too takes training and devotion.
Then there are sensitive folks who need to learn how to NOT overidentify with the heavy feelings passing through. They need to NOT carry what they’re picking up on. There is NO SENSE or SERVICE in letting the suffering of humanity ruin your capacity to function and re-stabilize in joy. This is the work.
If you can help process some collective suicide, grief, fear energy on a sunny morning and help lighten the load, great. If it lands you in bed for the day—please, my love, find a spiritual support system to help build your resilience. (Hello, Heart Centered Membership.) We have got to hold hands.
Feeling other people’s feelings—being empathic, does not make someone special, more important, or even more evolved than anyone else. I’ve known some empathic-identified people and they could be incredibly base in their view of other people. The irony right? To feel connected but to act divisively.
Feelings come from the lower chakric system. The basement of your psyche. The shadow. YES, even the “positive feelings.” (I wrote about this in How To Be Loving.)
This does NOT mean that “feelings” are bad or that we should avoid feelings in order to be more “enlightened.” This means that EVERY feeling is asking for our attention. Give it. Hear your fear. Honour your happies. Bless it with your attention. And keep expanding and moving forward.
Feelings are not consciousness. Best example: Love. Love is not an emotion or a feeling. It’s a higher state of consciousness—higher chakras, heart center, above the fold. Virtue. You can have feelings as a result of your consciousness. Like, Love vibrating through your body can make you feel happy. But Love itself is not coming and going like happiness. It’s an eternal energy that you open up to.

…

Of course, there are times when my own life is stirring up the heavies and it is very clearly belonging to my own psyche. Like… my son is moving out soon and the grief is walloping. It comes in waves, mostly when I’m walking in the woods in the morning. I know the feelings are all mine, rooted in the layers of my living.

But then there are these “visitations” of dark clouds. This type of experience happens for me often, mostly on weekends when I have the time to give it some space—and to be of service. I will feel this “out of the blue” heavy energy. I may want to weep (and sometimes I do. Sometimes I very intentionally cry for the collective, for the people who are in so much shock they are not able to process what’s happening.)

Because the intense feeling clouds come as a surprise to me, I know they are not mine. They are arising to be witnessed, and then they pass through.

I let them.

All for Love,

I don’t always talk about death + emotions (as much as I love to!)
In this palate cleanser, I roll out my favorite films of empowered women
I’ve talked about what The Sphinx told me, and Why Waiting Makes you Fkn TIRED. We have range, darling. So much range. xo

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